Skip to main content
BacchusNews & opinionSpiegeloog 424: Irrational

Bacchus: Stream of Consciousness

By March 17, 2023January 23rd, 2024No Comments

Thoughts keep running through our brain, so many just make no sense at all when you look at it from the outside. Sometimes we recognise we’re being irrational, sometimes we just don’t, and that’s weirdly just how it is. This piece experiments with the ‘stream of consciousness’ style, since that can best capture the smallest and most irrational parts of our thought process. Here is a (semi-fictitious) free-associative piece, which (tries to) reflect our irrationalities interspersed with occasional tugs of rational thought.

So I have to finish my stats assignment, my final essay, write to my insurance company… what if they think that me needing this blood test was NOT a medical necessity, ah I really need to get my money back, hopefully they reimburse it since I didn’t explicitly ask for them. Right? But what if they don’t reimburse me… where can I see the costs of these blood tests…I guess it can’t be over 50 euros right? Who knows, just hoping they cover the costs. Oh and I NEED to write to my landlord about the leakage, I hope he doesn’t think the damage was my fault, but I mean how can it be? Would they think I just ripped out my floor and poured water on it?! It has to be in the pipes, but what if he finds a way to blame me? But that can’t be right? I really hope they realise it’s the pipes and not my fault, else I guess I…I don’t know. But how can they even think I possibly intentionally did damage to my floor!? Okay, that’s stupid of me to think, it makes no sense! 

Aha, I need to buy my medication, let me check the pharmacies around. Wow okay, almost all pharmacies closed at 17:00 already, I could still make it to one before 18:00 but it’s a close call. They probably shut at 17:45 anyway, maybe there is no point in going. I should just go tomorrow first thing; it can’t really make much of a difference. But will the doctor care whether I started my dose on the same day as the doctor’s appointment? I don’t know if my insurer’s care about that either. Anyway, no chance I’m getting the meds today so…But, I need to get groceries for dinner. Or do I have some stuff I can still use…hmm…maybe not. I mean I have to go at some point, so may as well do it. More to do, more to do, I need to make Maya’s birthday gift and cake for tomorrow. If I can stay up till 4:00, I can pull it off, so should be fine really. Maybe I can already start with Maya’s birthday card, that does not seem too hard. “Dear Maya, Happy birthday! Sorry for a mess of a card, this…” okay, maybe I shouldn’t say sorry for a mess of a card, maybe she will think I started this last minute (true, but still), but then it’s going to look so bad on me, like I didn’t have time for her before. I don’t want her to think I wasn’t already planning for her, although I don’t know if she will feel bad about that. I think as long as I do something, she probably won’t think that way. She always plans so well for my birthday, I think she may feel bad if she sees I didn’t do the same. But I also don’t have time anymore for my elaborate version of the card. Maybe I write that “it’s still coming up”, but she may figure I started too late. Does it really look so terrible to say that?! Okay, I just need to bake that cake, then she won’t think that I didn’t think properly for her birthday. Of course, she will see it’s the effort that counts and not that I didn’t start planning ages ago. Okay, cake then. Perhaps it is better I start with my essay first though. I hope I didn’t leave it too last minute, maybe I should check in with others how long it took them…argh, they’re again going to know I’m doing it last minute. I guess it’s okay, I’m sure others do that too, but maybe they think I just don’t take this seriously enough. Ah who cares what they think, this works for me and that’s that. Okay but then should I still check in with others…maybe it doesn’t matter, I’ll just start…oh dear god, finding papers on bilingualism is so difficult, I think I’ll have to ask others now. Let’s see. Mmmm, I guess I can text Katie. “Helloo there! So, I’m a bit stuck with the essay, doing it last minute :P…” God, I don’t want to be SO explicit how last minute this is. Okay rephrase “I started looking a while back but couldn’t find stuff on…” I think this is good to go. I just hate coming off as so helpless as though I don’t know how to do a standard literature search…should probably stop doing stuff so late such that it seems I’m so disorganised and incapable. I guess people do understand this is just how I work, but still, I don’t know if this is something they judge me on. Maybe they just don’t judge me on this, why do I jump to the worst conclusions in the matter of minutes! 

Photo by Artem Gavrysh on Unsplash

Thoughts keep running through our brain, so many just make no sense at all when you look at it from the outside. Sometimes we recognise we’re being irrational, sometimes we just don’t, and that’s weirdly just how it is. This piece experiments with the ‘stream of consciousness’ style, since that can best capture the smallest and most irrational parts of our thought process. Here is a (semi-fictitious) free-associative piece, which (tries to) reflect our irrationalities interspersed with occasional tugs of rational thought.

So I have to finish my stats assignment, my final essay, write to my insurance company… what if they think that me needing this blood test was NOT a medical necessity, ah I really need to get my money back, hopefully they reimburse it since I didn’t explicitly ask for them. Right? But what if they don’t reimburse me… where can I see the costs of these blood tests…I guess it can’t be over 50 euros right? Who knows, just hoping they cover the costs. Oh and I NEED to write to my landlord about the leakage, I hope he doesn’t think the damage was my fault, but I mean how can it be? Would they think I just ripped out my floor and poured water on it?! It has to be in the pipes, but what if he finds a way to blame me? But that can’t be right? I really hope they realise it’s the pipes and not my fault, else I guess I…I don’t know. But how can they even think I possibly intentionally did damage to my floor!? Okay, that’s stupid of me to think, it makes no sense! 

Aha, I need to buy my medication, let me check the pharmacies around. Wow okay, almost all pharmacies closed at 17:00 already, I could still make it to one before 18:00 but it’s a close call. They probably shut at 17:45 anyway, maybe there is no point in going. I should just go tomorrow first thing; it can’t really make much of a difference. But will the doctor care whether I started my dose on the same day as the doctor’s appointment? I don’t know if my insurer’s care about that either. Anyway, no chance I’m getting the meds today so…But, I need to get groceries for dinner. Or do I have some stuff I can still use…hmm…maybe not. I mean I have to go at some point, so may as well do it. More to do, more to do, I need to make Maya’s birthday gift and cake for tomorrow. If I can stay up till 4:00, I can pull it off, so should be fine really. Maybe I can already start with Maya’s birthday card, that does not seem too hard. “Dear Maya, Happy birthday! Sorry for a mess of a card, this…” okay, maybe I shouldn’t say sorry for a mess of a card, maybe she will think I started this last minute (true, but still), but then it’s going to look so bad on me, like I didn’t have time for her before. I don’t want her to think I wasn’t already planning for her, although I don’t know if she will feel bad about that. I think as long as I do something, she probably won’t think that way. She always plans so well for my birthday, I think she may feel bad if she sees I didn’t do the same. But I also don’t have time anymore for my elaborate version of the card. Maybe I write that “it’s still coming up”, but she may figure I started too late. Does it really look so terrible to say that?! Okay, I just need to bake that cake, then she won’t think that I didn’t think properly for her birthday. Of course, she will see it’s the effort that counts and not that I didn’t start planning ages ago. Okay, cake then. Perhaps it is better I start with my essay first though. I hope I didn’t leave it too last minute, maybe I should check in with others how long it took them…argh, they’re again going to know I’m doing it last minute. I guess it’s okay, I’m sure others do that too, but maybe they think I just don’t take this seriously enough. Ah who cares what they think, this works for me and that’s that. Okay but then should I still check in with others…maybe it doesn’t matter, I’ll just start…oh dear god, finding papers on bilingualism is so difficult, I think I’ll have to ask others now. Let’s see. Mmmm, I guess I can text Katie. “Helloo there! So, I’m a bit stuck with the essay, doing it last minute :P…” God, I don’t want to be SO explicit how last minute this is. Okay rephrase “I started looking a while back but couldn’t find stuff on…” I think this is good to go. I just hate coming off as so helpless as though I don’t know how to do a standard literature search…should probably stop doing stuff so late such that it seems I’m so disorganised and incapable. I guess people do understand this is just how I work, but still, I don’t know if this is something they judge me on. Maybe they just don’t judge me on this, why do I jump to the worst conclusions in the matter of minutes! 

Photo by Artem Gavrysh on Unsplash

Nitya Shah

Author Nitya Shah

Nitya Shah (2001) is a first-year Research Master's student specialising in Methods and Statistics. She is an occasional nostalgist, misplaced in the twenty-first century, battling with the idea of ‘it’ vs the ‘idea of it’.

More posts by Nitya Shah