The Desire of Being Desired

Most young people that have been single for a longer stretch of time eventually start feeling as though they are missing something. Surrounded by happy couples telling them to “wait for their time” and that “it will come when you least expect it”, it becomes difficult not to. But what are we actually waiting for?

These comments are usually meant as a reassurance, but behind them and the feeling of missing out lies the assumption that romantic love is something that everyone searches for and that your life is missing something until you find a romantic partner. Only by getting into a relationship, can someone become completely fulfilled. 

This idea is not accidental: our society is built upon a concept called amatonormativity: the assumption that romantic love is a universal ideal, superior to other types of relationships, and one of the most important goals in life (Brake, 2023). But does the higher value of this type of relationship emerge on its own or is it created?

These differences in value partially come into existence through language. Without noticing, our ways of referring to different types of relationships, place romantic relationships over platonic ones. “Significant other”, “the one”, or “my other half” symbolize how a romantic partner is seen as exclusive, or even completing you, as though only through the means of another person can you become whole. On the other hand, the emotional significance of friendships is downgraded through language, such as through saying “we are just friends”. Terms like “friendzone” suggest that being friends with someone is disappointing, and not a meaningful relationship in itself. 

Societal rituals further reinforce this difference. Dating anniversaries, moving in together, engagements, weddings: these milestones exclusive to romantic relationships get publicly celebrated, while friendships are rarely appreciated in the same way. Even the idea—celebrating a 1-year friend-aversary—sounds weird, but why? 

Moreover, romantic relationships in our society are privileged over non-romantic relationships, as many of these milestones in romantic relationships also bring about privileges, both social and legal ones. Marrying someone ensures tax benefits, housing advantages, health insurance, and immigration rights as well as financial security (DePaulo, 2026). Milestones in friendships are usually more sentimental and illustrate a deep emotional connection, but rarely get rewarded legally or financially. In general, romantic relationships are not just put on a pedestal through language and celebrations—they are rewarded, while friendships remain secondary. This also raises the question of whether intrinsic value and rewards interact in romantic relationships and reinforce each other in a positive feedback loop. 

Considering that romantic relationships are valued more than platonic relationships—where does this difference in value come from? Is there a difference in these relationships, and if yes, what is it: the sexual aspects, the feeling of being chosen? Desiring someone, or being desired? Or something else completely?

In Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, romantic and platonic relationships are differentiated based on their composition of three components: intimacy as emotional closeness and trust, passion as motivational desire and longing, and commitment as cognitive dedication to longevity. He defines romantic love as comprising intimacy and passion while companionate love comprises intimacy and commitment. So is the main difference just passion?

Passion is often understood through sexuality. Following normative social expectations, sexual intimacy is reserved for romantic relationships. However, two types of relationships call into question to what extent we can really view sex as the main differential factor.

On one hand are asexual relationships, which demonstrate that romantic relationships can exist without any sexual attraction or intimacy. Stemming from several possible reasons, be it an asexual person with no interest in anything sexual, or two religious people waiting for marriage, there are many scenarios in which romantic love is experienced without sexual activity.

Furthermore, relationships exist that are purely platonic but with sexual intimacy, such as friends with benefits. Friends that are sexually attracted to each other but feel no romantic desire, are another piece of evidence for why sex might not be the best defining feature for a type of relationship. Where, then, do you draw the line between romance and friendship?

These types of relationships clash with certain theories about romantic and platonic relationships. Maybe these clear-cut categories, as described by Sternberg, do not apply so obviously; long-term romantic relationships are also clearly a commitment, and friendships can have passionate moments. Moreover, close friendships often involve emotional vulnerability and affection that is similar to romantic relationships. Some relationships transition from those of friends into lovers, or from lovers into friends. Some people feel completely fulfilled by their close friendships, even call them “platonic soulmates”. 

Still, most people can agree that they wish to be romantically desired. Perhaps being chosen romantically is not only about being loved, but also a form of social recognition. Society teaches us that being someone’s partner means that you are being prioritized, valued, and desired, while friendships don’t seem to fulfill these criteria. While romantic relationships are put on a pedestal, platonic ones are often taken for granted. 

Ultimately, we shouldn’t question why romantic love and desire matter so much to us, be it through language, rituals, privilege, or through an inherent value they have. Instead, we should question why platonic friendships have been taught to matter so little, why we take them for granted.