Bianca Boyer’s (Developmental Psychology) question:
Dear Henk Jan,
An interesting part of your work is the effectiveness of couples therapy and the working mechanisms thereof. Could you tell us what is the current state of research on conflict handling in couples and can you give the readers some practical advice on how to handle conflicts with their spouse based on your studies?
Bianca
Henk Jan Conradi’s (Clinical Psychology) answer:
Dear Bianca,
Thank you for your question. The prevalence of relational discord is high (approximately 20-30% of all couples) and is often fuelled by destructive conflicts between partners. As needs and life goals of partners do not always align, disagreements and conflicts will inevitably occur; in longstanding relationships as often as once a week. Because relationship problems have damaging consequences for partners and children involved, like mental and somatic health problems, it is important to intervene in an early stage. Problematic, however, is that disagreements easily escalate into destructive conflicts. Early research in the US showed that when one partner starts a discussion with, for instance, criticism, the odds are strikingly high that the other partner will react destructively by criticism, blaming, denial or withdrawal. The result is that an ordinary disagreement spirals down into a destructive conflict and that the partners experience a growing interpersonal distance. In our lab we observed similar patterns.
Fortunately, there are evidence-based couples’ interventions like Behavioural Couples Therapy (BCT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy Couples available (Rathgeber et al. 2019). Traditionally, BCT trains couples in more constructive communication, for example, formulating something you disagree about with your partner not as criticism, ‘As always your work is more important than I am’, but as a wish: ‘You would make me feel good when you join me today’. Partners will react more constructive to a wish than criticism, leading to positive interactions. Tip 1 is therefore: when relational issues arise, formulate these the way you want your partner to present them to you.
However, it is difficult to exclude, for instance, criticism from conversations because they often are fuelled by emotions such as frustration (when one feels unseen) or anxiety (when one doubts whether the partner is really interested in you). Therefore, EFCT focuses on the emotions behind destructive interaction behaviours. Understanding that, for example, fear of being rejected drives criticism helps to develop mutual understanding between partners. Partners may realize ‘She acts angry but feels anxious’ or ‘He withdraws from our discussion not because he is not interested, but because he is afraid of criticism and conflict’. Such understanding of partner behaviour helps de-escalation and allows room for constructive conversations resulting in more closeness. Therefore, tip 2 is to learn to look beyond the mere content of your partner’s message of frustration and try to detect the underlying needs of validation, support etc. and act upon these.
Henk Jan
Henk Jan Conradi’s question is for Richard Ridderinkhof (Clinical Developmental Psychology):
Dear Richard,
At the clinical psychology department we are, of course, interested in psychotherapy. Starting points for change differ between psychotherapies. Some start from cognitions, others from behavior or emotions. Part of your intriguing research is the detection of action potentials in brain areas associated with these various starting points. I wondered what your research teaches us about the order (timing) of activity in these brain areas under ‘natural’ circumstances (i.e., not attending therapy). For example, do emotions precede action tendencies and do action tendencies precede cognitions? Additionally, what do you think are the more sustainable agents of change: change of emotions, behavior and/or cognitions?
Henk Jan
References
-
Rathgeber, M., Bürkner, P.C., Schiller, E.M., Holling, H. (2019). The Efficacy of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Behavioral Couples Therapy: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45, 447– 463. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12336
Bianca Boyer’s (Developmental Psychology) question:
Dear Henk Jan,
An interesting part of your work is the effectiveness of couples therapy and the working mechanisms thereof. Could you tell us what is the current state of research on conflict handling in couples and can you give the readers some practical advice on how to handle conflicts with their spouse based on your studies?
Bianca
Henk Jan Conradi’s (Clinical Psychology) answer:
Dear Bianca,
Thank you for your question. The prevalence of relational discord is high (approximately 20-30% of all couples) and is often fuelled by destructive conflicts between partners. As needs and life goals of partners do not always align, disagreements and conflicts will inevitably occur; in longstanding relationships as often as once a week. Because relationship problems have damaging consequences for partners and children involved, like mental and somatic health problems, it is important to intervene in an early stage. Problematic, however, is that disagreements easily escalate into destructive conflicts. Early research in the US showed that when one partner starts a discussion with, for instance, criticism, the odds are strikingly high that the other partner will react destructively by criticism, blaming, denial or withdrawal. The result is that an ordinary disagreement spirals down into a destructive conflict and that the partners experience a growing interpersonal distance. In our lab we observed similar patterns.
Fortunately, there are evidence-based couples’ interventions like Behavioural Couples Therapy (BCT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy Couples available (Rathgeber et al. 2019). Traditionally, BCT trains couples in more constructive communication, for example, formulating something you disagree about with your partner not as criticism, ‘As always your work is more important than I am’, but as a wish: ‘You would make me feel good when you join me today’. Partners will react more constructive to a wish than criticism, leading to positive interactions. Tip 1 is therefore: when relational issues arise, formulate these the way you want your partner to present them to you.
However, it is difficult to exclude, for instance, criticism from conversations because they often are fuelled by emotions such as frustration (when one feels unseen) or anxiety (when one doubts whether the partner is really interested in you). Therefore, EFCT focuses on the emotions behind destructive interaction behaviours. Understanding that, for example, fear of being rejected drives criticism helps to develop mutual understanding between partners. Partners may realize ‘She acts angry but feels anxious’ or ‘He withdraws from our discussion not because he is not interested, but because he is afraid of criticism and conflict’. Such understanding of partner behaviour helps de-escalation and allows room for constructive conversations resulting in more closeness. Therefore, tip 2 is to learn to look beyond the mere content of your partner’s message of frustration and try to detect the underlying needs of validation, support etc. and act upon these.
Henk Jan
Henk Jan Conradi’s question is for Richard Ridderinkhof (Clinical Developmental Psychology):
Dear Richard,
At the clinical psychology department we are, of course, interested in psychotherapy. Starting points for change differ between psychotherapies. Some start from cognitions, others from behavior or emotions. Part of your intriguing research is the detection of action potentials in brain areas associated with these various starting points. I wondered what your research teaches us about the order (timing) of activity in these brain areas under ‘natural’ circumstances (i.e., not attending therapy). For example, do emotions precede action tendencies and do action tendencies precede cognitions? Additionally, what do you think are the more sustainable agents of change: change of emotions, behavior and/or cognitions?
Henk Jan
References
-
Rathgeber, M., Bürkner, P.C., Schiller, E.M., Holling, H. (2019). The Efficacy of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Behavioral Couples Therapy: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45, 447– 463. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12336
