To desire is to want, to long for, to hope for. Often simplified to attraction or sexual desires, the sense holds much more complexity and manifests in many forms. Some have nothing to do with sex or attraction at all, but rather entail a more ambiguous or general want to coexist or share a life with another person. I had some insightful conversations about people’s individual perspectives on these shared experiences to understand how they see the two concepts interact. The universal human experience becomes less so as soon as you start talking about it, which is why having these conversations is so insightful. Through them, we can learn to connect better and broaden our perspectives. We can fulfil each other’s desires by building greater compatibility based on a deep, mutual understanding informed by each other’s experiences. During the interviews, I made sure to leave space to explore perspectives and open up avenues that I had not considered.
To desire is to want, to long for, to hope for. Often simplified to attraction or sexual desires, the sense holds much more complexity and manifests in many forms. Some have nothing to do with sex or attraction at all, but rather entail a more ambiguous or general want to coexist or share a life with another person. I had some insightful conversations about people’s individual perspectives on these shared experiences to understand how they see the two concepts interact. The universal human experience becomes less so as soon as you start talking about it, which is why having these conversations is so insightful. Through them, we can learn to connect better and broaden our perspectives. We can fulfil each other’s desires by building greater compatibility based on a deep, mutual understanding informed by each other’s experiences. During the interviews, I made sure to leave space to explore perspectives and open up avenues that I had not considered.
How do you understand desire?
A: It’s like an excitement, like a determination almost, a wanting to do more.
M: Let’s say I don’t know someone and I have the desire to talk to them. That means that I don’t have this connection that I really, really want, and however deep it is. And for me, desire is the action of filling that void.
K: I think that it also has to do with projection a little bit. […] I feel like if you have some aspects that you repress in yourself, and you see that another person subconsciously.
How do you feel in these moments [of experiencing desire]?
O: Understood, seen, not needing to put on a facade of some sort. It doesn’t use up any social battery at all. […] It’s nice to be seen. […] In a way, it’s like you said, energetic. It’s this warm feeling inside, but also this level of calmness.
A: Sometimes you meet someone, and you’re like, oh shit, this person’s so cool, I just, I want them to see me.
K: What feelings? I think excitement, novelty. I guess a little bit of lust, but of course, it depends.
J: I’m having a hard time relating or getting myself into [that] headspace […] I have been depressed on and off for the past like 6… 8 months. And then that’s the thing. I lose interest, and I lose interest in finding people or partners. I don’t desire anybody.
Do you experience desire for connection differently between platonic and romantic?
A: I definitely experience a difference there. Sometimes it’s very mixed, though. Sometimes I can’t really tell, or I’m not sure, because if you’re in a place of yearning or longing, and you’re seeking a romantic connection, and then you meet someone, and then there just isn’t that energy. It’s confusing. Oh fuck, like I wanted there to be something there. And if it just isn’t, it isn’t. And then sometimes the opposite is true. You meet someone as a friend, and then chemistry builds over time, and you start to see them in a different way. I do think the actual emotional and physical experience of it is distinct, for me at least.
O: I think sometimes it can be quite confusing. Like you said, some relationships that you create, whether it’s for a couple months or a year or a day, it’s like you’re friends, but then something just switches. […] If you meet people, become friends with them, get to know them, and you know everything about them, and then that just slowly transitions to more, I think that’s a lot more natural and a lot more beautiful as well. So I would say sometimes there is a bit of that fine line between friendship and romance, but I think that’s human.[…] Sometimes it can just be one day you guys are both drunk, and you make out, and then you realise there was something there, or sometimes one of you has the courage to risk the friendship and be like, “Listen, I actually have something to tell you.” Sometimes you just both look at each other one day, and you’re, yeah, waiting for the other friends to leave.
M: […] obviously you can’t quantify how much desire you feel, [but] the platonic desire I have, if it was the same level as sexual desire, romantic desire, I would still have the sort of expectation of the platonic desire being worth less, or me actually connecting with them would be worth less, because I don’t think that it will go as deep as the romantic and sexual. […] I do have platonic relationships that are deeper than romantic relationships that I’ve had, which also puts into perspective the types of people that I was romantically attracted to and how those people weren’t for me, and how much a person that is for me or that I vibe with very well, but platonically, can surpass that romantic expectation, right? […] I have to say one thing that has really expanded my horizons of relationships is talking to people who are not heterosexual. Because then you realise that even though their attraction is different from what your attraction is, there are sort of like overarching principles of how you look at desire and how you look at connection that really made me think I’ve been limiting myself.
J: I’m able to remain good friends with very little effort and very little maintenance and very little contact, even, which is just not true for me for romantic relationships, where I am needy and require attention. I would say with romantic relationships, when you are truly in love with someone, it becomes for me an anchor in the world. […] Even if it’s not nice to say that, I take them [friends] more for granted. […] Yes, my friends are also there for me, but in the moment, they don’t act like this kind of compass to navigate through the ever-changing life that a romantic partner is.
Did you ever have an experience of a strong desire to be friends with somebody?
O: In a way, like this thing of soulmates. I think everyone talks about it in the sense that it has to be somebody that you’re romantically… I believe in platonic soulmates as well. I think you can meet somebody that is meant to be in your life for a long… well, hopefully for a long period of time. But nothing romantic ever has to happen, and it can still be an incredibly powerful relationship or just a powerful impression on you.
A: After my girlfriend of two years and I broke up, there was an incredibly strong desire to remain friends and maintain that connection, and it has evolved into and remains the strongest connection in my life. I wouldn’t say it’s romantic. It’s not entirely platonic, but it’s like… I think it’s a very profound connection that has a lot of desire behind it and a lot of care.
What expectations do you have when you experience desire or when you’re attracted to someone? What expectations do you have for yourself based on those feelings or for the situation?
A: I think I try really hard not to set expectations. It’s something that, in life and in conversations, has time and time again become a point of concern. […] something that I thought of earlier, that sometimes desire is very heightened by ambiguity. I think of times where I’ve been the most attracted to someone or had the most desire is when there was no expectation, and it was like, we’re gonna go out. Is this a date? Are we friends? It could be anything, and then it ends up being so much chemistry, and it’s so intense, and then you just go with it. Sometimes that’s a very irresponsible, dangerous thing, but it’s still, I think, thrilling and kind of makes the feeling of desire so strong.
O: Expectations? Very low. Yeah, no, it’s always like, you know, there’s that nervousness, there’s that level of fear where it’s like, oh, what if they don’t reciprocate? Everyone is their free spirit. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life. So I don’t expect anything to happen. And if something does, then it’s beautiful. But it’s just putting yourself out there.
M: I think because I express my desire in such a controlled way, which is sometimes good, sometimes it’s bad, I think that I do have expectations of my attempt to connect working. because it’s controlled in such a sense where I’m trying to maximise, well, what’s the chance you actually like me; What’s the chance I don’t, you know, scare you off with this desire? […] I come in with this blatant self-confidence that it’ll work out. And I think I definitely owe some success to that blatant self-confidence. Like Lightning McQueen said in the third Cars movie, when that yellow car asked him, “How did you know you could do it?” and Lightning McQueen says, “I never thought I couldn’t.”
Would you say desire and attraction are synonymous? Can you experience one but not the other?
A: I think… they’re not synonymous at all. And I’ve definitely experienced one but not the other. I also think, maybe stepping away from myself, but also maybe different definitions, there’s a lot of study on the phenomenon [of] desiring someone without attraction. I think that’s a whole big thing. In my own experience, the way I experience desire, I definitely can experience desire without attraction if it’s like a platonic desire. But attraction without desire, I think so, because you can see someone and you can be attracted to someone and just know it’s a bad idea, or maybe only be attracted to certain things, or, like you said, a lifestyle.
How would you approach a situation with that kind of dilemma?
O: Build on it. I would build on it. I would just try to understand the person more. Understand who they are and also the connection that we have between each other. I think it would come from curiosity. I’d rather just continue the relationship more and not act on anything in that exact moment. I guess I’d come from a platonic point of view, because at the end of the day, it’s just about being curious about other people. […] I just always take it from the perspective of like, ‘I know nothing about this universe,’ and to always not have rigid walls, but that’s not always the case, of course, because you’re human.
A: [In] recent times, where I’ve had desire but not attraction, I’ve taken that as a sign to step back and actually not let it develop, or not try to pursue. I take it as intuition, trying to listen to my subconscious or my body. If I’m not attracted to someone, but I still have some amount of desire, in a non-platonic context. If I’m on a date with someone and just not feeling any sort of attraction, but still have desire, I think that maybe that’s potentially substance-less or can be problematic, not conducive to something healthy.
How do you understand desire?
A: It’s like an excitement, like a determination almost, a wanting to do more.
M: Let’s say I don’t know someone and I have the desire to talk to them. That means that I don’t have this connection that I really, really want, and however deep it is. And for me, desire is the action of filling that void.
K: I think that it also has to do with projection a little bit. […] I feel like if you have some aspects that you repress in yourself, and you see that another person subconsciously.
How do you feel in these moments [of experiencing desire]?
O: Understood, seen, not needing to put on a facade of some sort. It doesn’t use up any social battery at all. […] It’s nice to be seen. […] In a way, it’s like you said, energetic. It’s this warm feeling inside, but also this level of calmness.
A: Sometimes you meet someone, and you’re like, oh shit, this person’s so cool, I just, I want them to see me.
K: What feelings? I think excitement, novelty. I guess a little bit of lust, but of course, it depends.
J: I’m having a hard time relating or getting myself into [that] headspace […] I have been depressed on and off for the past like 6… 8 months. And then that’s the thing. I lose interest, and I lose interest in finding people or partners. I don’t desire anybody.
Do you experience desire for connection differently between platonic and romantic?
A: I definitely experience a difference there. Sometimes it’s very mixed, though. Sometimes I can’t really tell, or I’m not sure, because if you’re in a place of yearning or longing, and you’re seeking a romantic connection, and then you meet someone, and then there just isn’t that energy. It’s confusing. Oh fuck, like I wanted there to be something there. And if it just isn’t, it isn’t. And then sometimes the opposite is true. You meet someone as a friend, and then chemistry builds over time, and you start to see them in a different way. I do think the actual emotional and physical experience of it is distinct, for me at least.
O: I think sometimes it can be quite confusing. Like you said, some relationships that you create, whether it’s for a couple months or a year or a day, it’s like you’re friends, but then something just switches. […] If you meet people, become friends with them, get to know them, and you know everything about them, and then that just slowly transitions to more, I think that’s a lot more natural and a lot more beautiful as well. So I would say sometimes there is a bit of that fine line between friendship and romance, but I think that’s human.[…] Sometimes it can just be one day you guys are both drunk, and you make out, and then you realise there was something there, or sometimes one of you has the courage to risk the friendship and be like, “Listen, I actually have something to tell you.” Sometimes you just both look at each other one day, and you’re, yeah, waiting for the other friends to leave.
M: […] obviously you can’t quantify how much desire you feel, [but] the platonic desire I have, if it was the same level as sexual desire, romantic desire, I would still have the sort of expectation of the platonic desire being worth less, or me actually connecting with them would be worth less, because I don’t think that it will go as deep as the romantic and sexual. […] I do have platonic relationships that are deeper than romantic relationships that I’ve had, which also puts into perspective the types of people that I was romantically attracted to and how those people weren’t for me, and how much a person that is for me or that I vibe with very well, but platonically, can surpass that romantic expectation, right? […] I have to say one thing that has really expanded my horizons of relationships is talking to people who are not heterosexual. Because then you realise that even though their attraction is different from what your attraction is, there are sort of like overarching principles of how you look at desire and how you look at connection that really made me think I’ve been limiting myself.
J: I’m able to remain good friends with very little effort and very little maintenance and very little contact, even, which is just not true for me for romantic relationships, where I am needy and require attention. I would say with romantic relationships, when you are truly in love with someone, it becomes for me an anchor in the world. […] Even if it’s not nice to say that, I take them [friends] more for granted. […] Yes, my friends are also there for me, but in the moment, they don’t act like this kind of compass to navigate through the ever-changing life that a romantic partner is.
Did you ever have an experience of a strong desire to be friends with somebody?
O: In a way, like this thing of soulmates. I think everyone talks about it in the sense that it has to be somebody that you’re romantically… I believe in platonic soulmates as well. I think you can meet somebody that is meant to be in your life for a long… well, hopefully for a long period of time. But nothing romantic ever has to happen, and it can still be an incredibly powerful relationship or just a powerful impression on you.
A: After my girlfriend of two years and I broke up, there was an incredibly strong desire to remain friends and maintain that connection, and it has evolved into and remains the strongest connection in my life. I wouldn’t say it’s romantic. It’s not entirely platonic, but it’s like… I think it’s a very profound connection that has a lot of desire behind it and a lot of care.
What expectations do you have when you experience desire or when you’re attracted to someone? What expectations do you have for yourself based on those feelings or for the situation?
A: I think I try really hard not to set expectations. It’s something that, in life and in conversations, has time and time again become a point of concern. […] something that I thought of earlier, that sometimes desire is very heightened by ambiguity. I think of times where I’ve been the most attracted to someone or had the most desire is when there was no expectation, and it was like, we’re gonna go out. Is this a date? Are we friends? It could be anything, and then it ends up being so much chemistry, and it’s so intense, and then you just go with it. Sometimes that’s a very irresponsible, dangerous thing, but it’s still, I think, thrilling and kind of makes the feeling of desire so strong.
O: Expectations? Very low. Yeah, no, it’s always like, you know, there’s that nervousness, there’s that level of fear where it’s like, oh, what if they don’t reciprocate? Everyone is their free spirit. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life. So I don’t expect anything to happen. And if something does, then it’s beautiful. But it’s just putting yourself out there.
M: I think because I express my desire in such a controlled way, which is sometimes good, sometimes it’s bad, I think that I do have expectations of my attempt to connect working. because it’s controlled in such a sense where I’m trying to maximise, well, what’s the chance you actually like me; What’s the chance I don’t, you know, scare you off with this desire? […] I come in with this blatant self-confidence that it’ll work out. And I think I definitely owe some success to that blatant self-confidence. Like Lightning McQueen said in the third Cars movie, when that yellow car asked him, “How did you know you could do it?” and Lightning McQueen says, “I never thought I couldn’t.”
Would you say desire and attraction are synonymous? Can you experience one but not the other?
A: I think… they’re not synonymous at all. And I’ve definitely experienced one but not the other. I also think, maybe stepping away from myself, but also maybe different definitions, there’s a lot of study on the phenomenon [of] desiring someone without attraction. I think that’s a whole big thing. In my own experience, the way I experience desire, I definitely can experience desire without attraction if it’s like a platonic desire. But attraction without desire, I think so, because you can see someone and you can be attracted to someone and just know it’s a bad idea, or maybe only be attracted to certain things, or, like you said, a lifestyle.
How would you approach a situation with that kind of dilemma?
O: Build on it. I would build on it. I would just try to understand the person more. Understand who they are and also the connection that we have between each other. I think it would come from curiosity. I’d rather just continue the relationship more and not act on anything in that exact moment. I guess I’d come from a platonic point of view, because at the end of the day, it’s just about being curious about other people. […] I just always take it from the perspective of like, ‘I know nothing about this universe,’ and to always not have rigid walls, but that’s not always the case, of course, because you’re human.
A: [In] recent times, where I’ve had desire but not attraction, I’ve taken that as a sign to step back and actually not let it develop, or not try to pursue. I take it as intuition, trying to listen to my subconscious or my body. If I’m not attracted to someone, but I still have some amount of desire, in a non-platonic context. If I’m on a date with someone and just not feeling any sort of attraction, but still have desire, I think that maybe that’s potentially substance-less or can be problematic, not conducive to something healthy.
